Friday, April 25, 2008

two weeks

two weeks and jere will be graduating, two weeks and the last five years of blood, sweat, tears, and sacrifice will be over. two more weeks and jere will have his degree.

now what?

we've looked online at jobs and viewed the map of texas more times than I ever did teaching texas history in the last month, and still there seems to be no path revealed. we don't know what we are even praying for anymore.

after five years of living in abilene and wanting to leave, the urge to dig my heels in and resist the bit has overcome me. i have never been so adamant about not moving. i don't know what is wrong with me.

i am trying desperately to be gracious in any choice that jere feels God is leading him to and walk that path with him, but i fear i am failing miserably. my prayers are for strength, (for my children, so they can lean on me if we do have to uproot them) wisdom, (to know which path is truly where are steps are directed), and grace (to be the wife and mother that i am fully capable of being, not the self-centered bitch that i crave to be right now). i don't recognize myself at this moment, nor do i like myself either and must meditate daily to be re-centered.

i close my eyes each day at 2 pm while my students journal and just pray and meditate. the baby kicks and moves during this time and that soothes me. i focus on this baby's safe arrival and the happiness it will bring. i do not want to think of packing everything up, leaving everyone behind, and starting again. it is childishness that motivates these feelings, but they are justified in me. i have my reasons.

i want so badly for my children to have a place they call home. when people ask where i am from i usually say graham since this is the only home that my parents/mom have lived in for quite some time. my children have good memories of my mother's home and the dependibility of always knowing that no matter what is going on in my life, they can count on marmee and graham. i didn't have that as a child and it still bothers me. i suppose that is what drives and motivates me to find a "home" for my children.

jere has received offers from pecos, brownwood, big spring, amarillo, and hereford. all of these offers make me want to cry. i know my husband. he is a man of duty. he will have a job and he will go where the money is. too long has jere waited for his chance to take care of us in the manner that he sees fit. too long has my wonderful husband felt like less than a spouse should because i was the breadwinner and he the humble college student. he constantly focuses on the feelings that he doesn't do enough financially as the "man" for us. i know he will take one of these jobs if something doesn't come along soon. april is almost over and he is now running scared, my last pay check will be the end of july, we have some time.

God help us


Indigo Children said...

"i have never been so adamant about not moving. i don't know what is wrong with me."

You are about to give birth (the hardest time to think about uprooting yourself). I remember in the last months and weeks before I had Boddhi, I felt an obsessive urge to get his room together (even though I knew he wouldn't use it). I wanted to paint the house, to make things homey. I knew there was a possibility that we were moving to New Mexico, but I chose to shut that out and focus on creating a home. I pushed dude and the kids to get it all done. (Sounds silly now--but it is what I had to do at the time).

I needed to feel safe and steady in order to bring my baby into the world.

Everything is going to be ok. Know that you are being cared for and watched over. Make your nest, settle in as if you will always be there. Give birth to your precious baby and then things will fall into place--if not in preferred opportunities than emotions.

I am thinking of you, willing your biggest dreams to come true. Let us know what we can do to help.

Anonymous said...

I do understand some of your pain. A part of me is in a panic to take care of Zoe and myself. I want to prove to myself and the world that I can do it, that I am strong. But, I am also scared because of all of the what if. I find myself, as well, praying to God for strength and understanding as to where I need to go. At least you have choices, I don't have any yet.

It is a scarey thing to try and take care of a family by yourself, but I know that God will lead you in the right direction. Like you always say, "God doesn't drop the ball." He has a plan for your family and for mine. We just need to have trust and faith.

I love you girl and I am praying for daily that God will put your family and mine where they need to be. Any you know what? He will. Stay strong and just concentrate on getting that beautiful baby here.



Beautiful batheing babes (and bubs)