Tuesday, July 1, 2008

what is wrong

well jere has the job, we've got the baby, and we don't have to move right now. all of my ducks seem to be in a row. so why do i feel this incredible need to shoot those ducks til they all sink to the bottom of the lake?

everything is as it should be except for one tiny detail . . . me. i'm not alright, i'm not o.k., i'm not functioning on all six cylinders yet. i feel so foreign in my own body. i am having trouble getting myself together and that is very unlike me.

ever since ella's labor i have been out of control. i know that no one can truly control their entire world or environment, but there are certain aspects that we have a hand in. my problem is i can find no aspect of my life i feel like i am in charge of or have any authority over. it is making me crazy. my body, my mind, my emotions are all running amuck and that is just nutty.

jere is beside himself and doesn't know what to do with me. he just keeps telling me how amazing i am and how much he loves me. he texts me when he is at work every night reminding me how much in love he is with me, what a good mommy i am, how strong a woman i am, everything you would want your significant other to say. now not that i don't love or appreciate all this attention from my husband, but it makes me question just how much of a mess i am conveying to the rest of the world if he is that worried.

i want to feel whole again. i feel like i am only portraying whatever "me" needs to be present for each situation. well-wishers have tried to come over and they call all the time and i have no desire for anyone to come over. how much longer can i use the "just had a baby" card before people just think i am ignoring them and being rude?

i'm stopping now, i just erased half of this blog and that's a good thing.



Indigo Children said...

I feel you. You are always the one who is strong, taking care of everyone else's needs; it is time to let others care for you.

Be patient with yourself. Shrink your world for a while. Sleep, eat, feed Ella, and let other people do the rest.

You do not have to be the strong one right now. All you have to do is take care of you and Ella.

You are going to be okay; it takes time for not only your body to recover (not two weeks), but also your emotions. So much has changed in your life recently (good changes-but still changes)--an adjustment period is normal (longer than two weeks).

You are still your strong wonderful self, even if you need to cry everyday. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

We love you; we're here if you need us. I am sending a hug --

Indigo Children said...

also...you can milk the "just had a baby" thing for-- at the very least --12 weeks --and up into the second year if you want :).

Anonymous said...

I agree with indigo children. Relax and just heal. There are so many things happening in your life and it is a lot to take in. It will be okay and people can just deal with the fact that you don't want to do anything but take care of yourself and your baby. I love you girl and you are in my prayers.



Beautiful batheing babes (and bubs)