Tuesday, November 11, 2008
this was an unusual weekend. my mother came down and went shopping in hot topic with my girls and "outcooled" me for once. they were quite impressed and loved every minute of it and i believe secretly mom loved it just as much. i am not thrilled with their choice of clothes, but oh well, they do have to express themselves. right?
sunday was church as usual. it was our normal service, nothing particularly spectacular. our pastor ask us to have special prayer for a mutual friend of ours who is quite sick. i prayed hard and was very upset about her illness. while i was standing in the pew my pastor's wife came up beside and spoke quietly to me. she said for whatever reason my brother was on her heart for several days and would i mind "standing in the gap" for him.
"standing in the gap" is not just praying for someone else's needs, it's praying with the real hope and real intent that God will step in and act in the positive for someone else. you are the physical for this absent person. it's simply trusting God to act in the manner He sees fit for the person we care about. it is allowing some of God's passion and strength to burn within us.
i have never done this before. my children are a million times more pentecostal than i am. jere was raised with speaking in tongues and the moving of the holy spirit, having been raised baptist myself, my husband considers it a real accomplishment that i clap to the music now :)
i said yes
i stood in front of my church as they laid hands on me and began to pray in unison for my brother. they prayed for his strength, patience, understanding, hope, success, faith, healing and family. except for two, all of these people know nothing of my brother. my eyes were sealed tight, i couldn't look at the faces around me.
i stood there relaxing and allowed myself to focus on my brother and all his pain and i felt my entire body ache and my shoulders hunch from the weight that he carries. i allowed myself to succumb to the holy spirit, to try to understand the unspeakable. my heart broke. i was so tired. as i sank to my knees in prayer and meditation my heart exploded and i cried for him. i cried the tears he has already cried and the ones he refuses too. i hurt so bad for him to know that he hurts worse and there is nothing i can do in the physical to set things right.
i want to hold my brother and tell him i am here for him, i want to kiss his brown face, maybe even dare to touch his curly hair. i want to make him smile.
i will do no such thing. he has a shield around him right now and i accept that. i will continue to rely on my faith and prayers no matter if we agree on that or not. i will leave him alone to his thoughts, we will not discuss this. and that is fine, that is how things are between us. i'm actually alright with that.
cause you know what . . .
i stood in the gap