two weeks

two weeks and jere will be graduating, two weeks and the last five years of blood, sweat, tears, and sacrifice will be over. two more weeks and jere will have his degree.

now what?

we've looked online at jobs and viewed the map of texas more times than I ever did teaching texas history in the last month, and still there seems to be no path revealed. we don't know what we are even praying for anymore.

after five years of living in abilene and wanting to leave, the urge to dig my heels in and resist the bit has overcome me. i have never been so adamant about not moving. i don't know what is wrong with me.

i am trying desperately to be gracious in any choice that jere feels God is leading him to and walk that path with him, but i fear i am failing miserably. my prayers are for strength, (for my children, so they can lean on me if we do have to uproot them) wisdom, (to know which path is truly where are steps are directed), and grace (to be the wife and mother that i am fully capable of being, not the self-centered bitch that i crave to be right now). i don't recognize myself at this moment, nor do i like myself either and must meditate daily to be re-centered.

i close my eyes each day at 2 pm while my students journal and just pray and meditate. the baby kicks and moves during this time and that soothes me. i focus on this baby's safe arrival and the happiness it will bring. i do not want to think of packing everything up, leaving everyone behind, and starting again. it is childishness that motivates these feelings, but they are justified in me. i have my reasons.

i want so badly for my children to have a place they call home. when people ask where i am from i usually say graham since this is the only home that my parents/mom have lived in for quite some time. my children have good memories of my mother's home and the dependibility of always knowing that no matter what is going on in my life, they can count on marmee and graham. i didn't have that as a child and it still bothers me. i suppose that is what drives and motivates me to find a "home" for my children.

jere has received offers from pecos, brownwood, big spring, amarillo, and hereford. all of these offers make me want to cry. i know my husband. he is a man of duty. he will have a job and he will go where the money is. too long has jere waited for his chance to take care of us in the manner that he sees fit. too long has my wonderful husband felt like less than a spouse should because i was the breadwinner and he the humble college student. he constantly focuses on the feelings that he doesn't do enough financially as the "man" for us. i know he will take one of these jobs if something doesn't come along soon. april is almost over and he is now running scared, my last pay check will be the end of july, we have some time.

God help us

sad

When we made the decision for me not to go back to work in December I was ecstatic. I mean truly thrilled. But now with only a few weeks of school left I am starting to get sad. My boss has already started the search to find someone to replace me (am I replaceable, yes) and I need to make arrangements to clean out my room before June. So much to do and all of it feels so final.

I really thought that this would be so much easier than it is, but the idea of leaving behind this life that I have created with all these wonderful people and kids really depresses me.

I started teaching five years ago without my heart being involved. I was going to "whip" all these kids into shape with structure and discipline. Now I see that really it was me that has been whipped into shape and made into not just a better teacher, but a better human being. I love teaching, as corny as that may sound it is the truth.

I am going to miss all the frustrations, fun, and hard work that go into day to day education and I never thought that could happen. I know that once this baby is in my arms that my entire perspective will change, but for now I think that it is alright for me to grieve to this pause in an important part of my life.

blessings

cole

11 WEEKS LEFT

I just came from the doctor's this afternoon and everything is looking much better! The suishi is working. My sodium looks good, no diabetes, and my blood pressure is working its way down slowly but surely. I will not be on bedrest!!!!

Please keep in your hearts and minds that we are in deep prayer and meditation in regards to curl's job. There is a job fair on Thursday and we are so hoping that some good will come out of it even though we know absolutely no one who has ever been hired from one! Please send us the good vibes, thoughts, and prayers we so desperately need.

Blessings,


cole