Tuesday, July 1, 2008

what is wrong

well jere has the job, we've got the baby, and we don't have to move right now. all of my ducks seem to be in a row. so why do i feel this incredible need to shoot those ducks til they all sink to the bottom of the lake?

everything is as it should be except for one tiny detail . . . me. i'm not alright, i'm not o.k., i'm not functioning on all six cylinders yet. i feel so foreign in my own body. i am having trouble getting myself together and that is very unlike me.

ever since ella's labor i have been out of control. i know that no one can truly control their entire world or environment, but there are certain aspects that we have a hand in. my problem is i can find no aspect of my life i feel like i am in charge of or have any authority over. it is making me crazy. my body, my mind, my emotions are all running amuck and that is just nutty.

jere is beside himself and doesn't know what to do with me. he just keeps telling me how amazing i am and how much he loves me. he texts me when he is at work every night reminding me how much in love he is with me, what a good mommy i am, how strong a woman i am, everything you would want your significant other to say. now not that i don't love or appreciate all this attention from my husband, but it makes me question just how much of a mess i am conveying to the rest of the world if he is that worried.

i want to feel whole again. i feel like i am only portraying whatever "me" needs to be present for each situation. well-wishers have tried to come over and they call all the time and i have no desire for anyone to come over. how much longer can i use the "just had a baby" card before people just think i am ignoring them and being rude?

i'm stopping now, i just erased half of this blog and that's a good thing.



Beautiful batheing babes (and bubs)